Mittwoch, 12. März 2014
Home is where the heart is?
Home is where the heart is. I've heard this quote so often in my life and until now, it totally made sense to me. I always knew where my home was. My home was where my family, my friends, and therefore my heart, were. But then you come to this new country, this new family that you've never met before and you jump into a completely new life. That's when you start wondering about that quote more and more. You only live here for a year, not even, and it might not seem like a big deal because you know you're gonna be back anyway but it actually is a big deal.
When I first came here, 10 months seemed like such a long time! I got homesick more often than I do now because it just was really hard to accept the fact that I would be apart from my family and my friends for that amount of time. Even though I knew from the beginning that I had probably gotten the best host mom any exchange student could ever wish for, I still missed my family at home. And I'm pretty sure everybody would. You're not just gone, you're in a whole new country and you have to adjust to a whole new culture. You're a part of a new family now and then you come to a school and you're expected to make friends immeadiately. It is not easy. But that's not the point of what I'm trying to say here.
At one point I had gotten over the phase where 10 months seemed like an eternity and I was looking forward to the day when I would see my family and friends again. I had made some really close friends and I now felt completely like a part of the family. Of course, I am still looking forward to see my family and friends back in Germany, but right now, and it might sound rough, I just can't think of anything else than the fact that I don't want to leave Michigan. The past 6 months went by way too fast and when I now look at the calendar and realize that I only have less than 100 days left, I feel like crying. This is my life now and I just can't imagine leaving my host family and my friends. But that day is getting closer and closer and to be honest, it scares me. What seemed like forever went by in a heartbeat. This year has definitely been the shortest year of my life so far and I just don't want it to end. Looking at that countdown hurts and I'm just scared that, if I'm not careful or if I blink too fast, I will be standing at the airport tomorrow.
I also feel like this is only the beginning. It took me a while to make close friends and to be fully comfortable around my host family and at school, and as soon as I do make friends and I am feeling completely comfortable, I have to leave? How can this be fair? Right, it can't.
I already now that I will be back. I will definitely come back and visit everybody but it just won't be the same. Plus, I can't even say for sure when I will be back. Once I get back to Germany, I have to worry about school, graduation and universities. Flights are expensive, too. That's the difference between leaving Germany and leaving the USA. The day you leave Germany, you can start counting the days until you're going to be back. Everyone knows that you will be back in 10 months, which makes being away much easier, even though it can also make it harder. In comparison to that, leaving the USA is so much harder. By going on that airplane, you are ending your year as an exchange student and you're leaving this new life, that took so long to build, behind without knowing when you're going to be back. Without knowing when you're going to be back. That's what makes it so hard. You're just leaving and you don't know if you're going to be back in a year, in 2 years or in 5 years. Even though you really want to, you can't even say if you're going to be back.
I am just not ready. I know I still have 3 more months to go and I am excited for everything that's still to come, but as for right now, I just can't imagine life without everyone here. It's not just living here or attending a high school, it's the little things. It's my host mom taking me on a mystery trip, my host brother making me Mac 'n Cheese, my host brothers joking around with me, my other host brother sitting next to me while I'm talking to my parents via skype asking them how they are, it's cuddling with Hannah, my host family's cat, every night, having sleepovers with my best friends here, my host siblings taking me out to ice cream at night, my host brother just hanging out with me and asking me questions about Germany..it's just all those little things that make me love them even more and that will make me miss them even more.
I don't know where I'm going with this but I just felt the urge to just write everything down that's going through my head right now. That's the purpose of a blog, right?
I just found another quote that describes exactly how I am feeling right now. Home is not a place, it's a feeling. And that is so true! Once you're here, all of a sudden you don't know what to think or feel anymore. I mean..not like that but suddenly you have two families and two homes and it sucks that you can't be with both at the same time. Right now, I feel at home here in Michigan. But Germany is also my home because that's where my family and my friends are. I have two homes and my heart is in two places at once.
I guess the main "message" of this post was that I get really, really sad when I think about leaving. There is still a lot that's going to happen and I am so excited for that, and I know that a text like that would make more sense if I would only have one month left (I don't even wanna think about it..), but the fact that way more than half is already over just hit me a few days ago and since then, I constantly thought about it. I just had to write it down, period.
Home is where the heart is, but what if your heart is in two places at the same time?